Well
Kiddies, Thursday wouldn't be complete without a rundown of America's
favorite (gay) pastime, Project Runway. No longer do we watch for the
sheer joy seeing young designers backed into a creative corner, but for the
subsequent morning-after conversations and the cultural ramifications
that undoubtedly unfurl before our Bravo-filled eyes. Who can
remember a world without "Gather 'round, designers", "Carry on" and
orange designer Michael Kors' favorite salutation ... "Hey, guys.”
We
fashion lovers are suckers for a quick outfit--but even more so for quick wit.
Was I alone in my excitement for the preview of next week's episode which
contained the MK burping out "It looks like she's pooping fabric"?
My comrade told me it was a stolen phrase. Apparently that statement had left the lips of lean and
leggy Heidi last season. Still, a good verbal slap
is most of--if not all--the fun.
Last
evening's festivities started with a field trip to meet a mysterious
"fashion legend" that Tim dangled in front of the designers like a
sadist would dangle a tanning bed in front of that poor little elfin designer
Blayne. Who might it be? Mary Kate?
Blayne:
I want to marry Mary-Kate ... who doesn't? (beat) besides Tim Gunn.
You
can add my name to that list as well, but I digress. They arrived at a
showroom with 15 foot tall initials emblazoned across the front: DVF. Still,
they wondered where-ever could they be? Inside, the queen herself
Diane Von Furstenberg (in true Faye Dunaway doing Joan Crawford style)
descended the 800 stairs and came down amongst the mortals awaiting her.
DVF made a point of shaking everyone's hand, like the Queen, which sent
Kenley into a fit of tears (the first in a series of emotionally sloppy
confessionals that were thrust upon us throughout the course of what was once a
magical hour).
Long
story short (I know, too late)--cue the product placement--DVF needs a dress
to be sold to the American Express-toting minions, and she clearly can't be
bothered to design it herself. And why should she? She's proved herself
enough already; she designed the g-damn wrap dress for christ-sake and watch
out cause she's gonna sue you for knocking off her pattern. So the designers
got to raid mommy's closet for great prints and made a mess of things like
rowdy 7th grade skateboarders at the park. I'm sure DVF was none too
pleased when she replayed the whole drama on her TIVO.
The
workroom scenes that followed were nothing more than a somewhat lackluster mix
of paranoia and bitchery. "How many pieces are you making?", "No, I will not show you what I'm working on?", etc., etc. The results were also clearly mixed. I wish could judge Jerell more objectively, but the lady just gets under my skin. Blayne did something completely different (for him), though the end result was still equally unwearable by a real woman. Kenley had more than a healthy share of insecurity over the fact that she chose to make ... wait for it ... a dress. This proved to be an extremely emotional decision and, of course, led to tears. (I don't care if you gotta cry and cut, but cry and cut. Don't stop and cry - cry and WORK!). Joe created an ensemble fit for the blouse-loving queen of mean Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan, and found it to be quite ingenious. Others were less than impressed. This did not deter his confidence.
Little
whisper of a designer Leanne emerged as the clear frontrunner with her stunning
full-length, crepe-de-chine gown and snug, cropped jacket. Korto
was less fortunate, however, making a dress with hems ending in three different
places, all of which proved to be unflattering. Old Letha face herself,
Stella, created an unusual look, including a pair of pants which were capable
of hiding a lady's candy, if you catch my business. This fact was not
overlooked by the MK, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Suede managed to make
his model look fat and
dumpy. Kudos
to you, fine sir! Oh, and Terry gave us something we'd already seen, again.
Now
on to the judging, wait ... then what have I been doing for the last 45
minutes? For the second week in a
row, we were left Nina-less. God, how I love that woman! Whenever there's a
judge that no one's ever heard of, they make one of the designers say something
significant about them in the confessional. Korto did the honors. Apparently, this broad runs Bryant Park
or some such nonsense. Needless to
say, something was definitely missing from the runway portion, but DVF did
manage to make the show.
Hands
down, the best part of the show was when everyone stopped to laugh at Joe’s
outfit. It took him a minute, but
then he realized he was in trouble.
Suede also got one of the MK’s famous two worst judgments. For those of you new to the world of
PR, occasionally when an outfit breaks the MK rules of taste so horrifically,
normal cattiness does not do justice, and he dusts off one of two famous ill-fated
reviews. Last night, Suede was
handed “Did you get dressed in the dark?”
OUCH! The other ugly sister
is, of course, M.O.B. or Mother-of-the-Bride, which my comrade ingeniously turned
to me and said should be a future challenge! I would die, I would just die!
The
only real shocker was the set of brass ones on Kenley who not only got uppity,
she also went on to interrupt Heidi, twice. Stating that she noticed a colorful dress was missing from
the lookbook, Diane complimented her, saying “I’m glad you figured it
out!” Then the judges proceeded to
laugh at Kenley. At least someone
was having a good time! Leanne was
applauded (justly) for her work and handed the top prize. Somehow Suede managed to scrape by and
lives to fight another day--although I’m really beginning to dread that day. I
believe it’s called next Wednesday.
Joe and Stella were left at the bottom, but it was Stella who had to go up to the workroom and
pack her things. To be honest, the
Leatha Lady really grew on me.
There was something comforting about her, like curling up in a big
leatha club chair with a one of your leatha children, the one named Letha.
And
that’s all she wrote, although Top Design sits on my Tivo, Kelly Wearstler's siren song
beckoning me to “wear that evening gown on top of your jeans … it’ll look
totally hot!” Of course it will
Kelly, of course it will.