Well Kiddies, Thursday wouldn't be complete without a rundown of America's favorite (gay) pastime, Project Runway. No longer do we watch for the sheer joy seeing young designers backed into a creative corner, but for the subsequent morning-after conversations and the cultural ramifications that undoubtedly unfurl before our Bravo-filled eyes. Who can remember a world without "Gather 'round, designers", "Carry on" and orange designer Michael Kors' favorite salutation ... "Hey, guys.”
We fashion lovers are suckers for a quick outfit--but even more so for quick wit. Was I alone in my excitement for the preview of next week's episode which contained the MK burping out "It looks like she's pooping fabric"? My comrade told me it was a stolen phrase. Apparently that statement had left the lips of lean and leggy Heidi last season. Still, a good verbal slap is most of--if not all--the fun.
Last evening's festivities started with a field trip to meet a mysterious "fashion legend" that Tim dangled in front of the designers like a sadist would dangle a tanning bed in front of that poor little elfin designer Blayne. Who might it be? Mary Kate?
Blayne: I want to marry Mary-Kate ... who doesn't? (beat) besides Tim Gunn.
You can add my name to that list as well, but I digress. They arrived at a showroom with 15 foot tall initials emblazoned across the front: DVF. Still, they wondered where-ever could they be? Inside, the queen herself Diane Von Furstenberg (in true Faye Dunaway doing Joan Crawford style) descended the 800 stairs and came down amongst the mortals awaiting her. DVF made a point of shaking everyone's hand, like the Queen, which sent Kenley into a fit of tears (the first in a series of emotionally sloppy confessionals that were thrust upon us throughout the course of what was once a magical hour).
Long story short (I know, too late)--cue the product placement--DVF needs a dress to be sold to the American Express-toting minions, and she clearly can't be bothered to design it herself. And why should she? She's proved herself enough already; she designed the g-damn wrap dress for christ-sake and watch out cause she's gonna sue you for knocking off her pattern. So the designers got to raid mommy's closet for great prints and made a mess of things like rowdy 7th grade skateboarders at the park. I'm sure DVF was none too pleased when she replayed the whole drama on her TIVO.
The workroom scenes that followed were nothing more than a somewhat lackluster mix of paranoia and bitchery. "How many pieces are you making?", "No, I will not show you what I'm working on?", etc., etc. The results were also clearly mixed. I wish could judge Jerell more objectively, but the lady just gets under my skin. Blayne did something completely different (for him), though the end result was still equally unwearable by a real woman. Kenley had more than a healthy share of insecurity over the fact that she chose to make ... wait for it ... a dress. This proved to be an extremely emotional decision and, of course, led to tears. (I don't care if you gotta cry and cut, but cry and cut. Don't stop and cry - cry and WORK!). Joe created an ensemble fit for the blouse-loving queen of mean Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan, and found it to be quite ingenious. Others were less than impressed. This did not deter his confidence.
Little whisper of a designer Leanne emerged as the clear frontrunner with her stunning full-length, crepe-de-chine gown and snug, cropped jacket. Korto was less fortunate, however, making a dress with hems ending in three different places, all of which proved to be unflattering. Old Letha face herself, Stella, created an unusual look, including a pair of pants which were capable of hiding a lady's candy, if you catch my business. This fact was not overlooked by the MK, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Suede managed to make his model look fat and dumpy. Kudos to you, fine sir! Oh, and Terry gave us something we'd already seen, again.
Now on to the judging, wait ... then what have I been doing for the last 45 minutes? For the second week in a row, we were left Nina-less. God, how I love that woman! Whenever there's a judge that no one's ever heard of, they make one of the designers say something significant about them in the confessional. Korto did the honors. Apparently, this broad runs Bryant Park or some such nonsense. Needless to say, something was definitely missing from the runway portion, but DVF did manage to make the show.
Hands down, the best part of the show was when everyone stopped to laugh at Joe’s outfit. It took him a minute, but then he realized he was in trouble. Suede also got one of the MK’s famous two worst judgments. For those of you new to the world of PR, occasionally when an outfit breaks the MK rules of taste so horrifically, normal cattiness does not do justice, and he dusts off one of two famous ill-fated reviews. Last night, Suede was handed “Did you get dressed in the dark?” OUCH! The other ugly sister is, of course, M.O.B. or Mother-of-the-Bride, which my comrade ingeniously turned to me and said should be a future challenge! I would die, I would just die!
The only real shocker was the set of brass ones on Kenley who not only got uppity, she also went on to interrupt Heidi, twice. Stating that she noticed a colorful dress was missing from the lookbook, Diane complimented her, saying “I’m glad you figured it out!” Then the judges proceeded to laugh at Kenley. At least someone was having a good time! Leanne was applauded (justly) for her work and handed the top prize. Somehow Suede managed to scrape by and lives to fight another day--although I’m really beginning to dread that day. I believe it’s called next Wednesday. Joe and Stella were left at the bottom, but it was Stella who had to go up to the workroom and pack her things. To be honest, the Leatha Lady really grew on me. There was something comforting about her, like curling up in a big leatha club chair with a one of your leatha children, the one named Letha.
And that’s all she wrote, although Top Design sits on my Tivo, Kelly Wearstler's siren song beckoning me to “wear that evening gown on top of your jeans … it’ll look totally hot!” Of course it will Kelly, of course it will.
